Gofundme: Rosetta Stone for Korea (South)

GoFundMe: Rosetta Stone (Korea)

I’m moving to Korea for 9 months.


If you didn’t know that, or you don’t know me, just know:

-It’s an amazing opportunity

-I’m very excited

-My mom hates me

That, in blunt form, is all you really need to know for the rest of this social appeal (gofundme) to make sense. If we are friends, or family, and you want to discuss further, please, give me a ring. Also, if you’re an attractive woman/underclassmen who is turned on by international travel, again, give me a ring—to discuss logistics. Thanks.

So, I need Rosetta Stone.

I need to learn this language (Korean/한국어) and I need to learn it quick. I liked the bullet-format I used above so I’m going to utilize it again to stress why I need to learn this language so badly:

-I’m not that attractive. Physically, I range from hard 6 to soft 9. Depending on my diet, and the correlative double chin, I can dip into the 7 ish range. A 7 isn’t tough to look at, but you’re not gonna be slinging do-me vibes at a 7. There are times I can dazzle, don’t get me wrong, like when I dye my beard/eyebrows or steal expensive clothes from my wealthy friends, but I’m really never going to illicit any extra-curricular interest (aggressive handies outside bar) from a physical standpoint.

-I’m a talker. That’s how I do it. I have taken advantage of human dialogue—rhythmic stressing of consonants, above-average cultural references, calming-cream-sweater-type-tones, etc.—through the English language. I have used these verbal attributes to get attractive girls to like me. It’s what I’m good at and what I need to attract the aforementioned girls. I’m assuming this will still hold true in the Orient. I realize I will be much taller, and probably draw gawking comparisons from the little people to say, a Matt Damon or Ryan Reynolds, but I’m still going to need the power of conversation.

-그냥 팁= “just the tip”.

-Rosetta Stone is highly reputable and has a proven track record of quick language assimilation. They give you the tools to be your own teacher. Their shit is expensive though. I’m going to start ubering again to raise some extra funds and may look into this Waitr thing; but your money would help.

-Rosetta Stone, levels 1-4, is aggressively priced at $200. I’ve listed my gofundme goal at $4000. I did that because I want to purchase two sets of Rosetta Stone Korea; one for me, one for my good buddy Anthony, who will be playing baseball in Korea (The excess $3600 is for travel fees and such). I want to learn the language to order drinks at bars and seduce Geishas. Anthony needs to learn the language because he is a pitcher, and although there is a universal language amongst baseball teammates, I think it would be prudent if he met his teammates with a bow and, “안녕하세요, 저는 우리 모두가 가까운 친한 친구가되어 줄 수 있기를 바랍니다. 그리고 나는 미국에 대한 탐정이자 대사로서의 존경심을 얻을 수 있습니다. 또한 훌륭한 여성들은 어디에 있습니까?” = “hello, I hope we can all become close personal friends and I can gain your respect both as a teammate and an ambassador for the United States of America. Also, where the fine women at?”

-Levels 1-3 of Rosetta Stone cover the basics of linguistic communication. That is priced at $129. I’m not sure if you’ve ever tried to haggle a dancer/stripper, but there is nothing basic about it. I need the fourth level.

-As mentioned earlier, my mom now hates me. I told her about this venture during my visit home for the Holidays. On Christmas morning, I received a laminated copy of her will, depicting crude x-marks coarsely scribbled over my name. That hurt. I feel that if I can learn a new language, maybe engage in some international discussion of business and politics, in Korean, then she will love me again; at the very least rescind her Facebook request to block me.

-Bar antics is kind of my thing. Could you imagine, upon my return from Korea, if I approached the women of South Louisiana in bars, offering only shots of Sake, bowing, then firing off compliments in fluent Korean? I can. It would be epic, and obviously well received. I need $4000.

-Americans often receive a bad rap in foreign countries. A lot of this can be attributed to the third season of Jersey Shore, where they fist pumped all over Italy, but it is because of other things too. I want to take the time to learn a language and understand a culture. I think it would go a long way with the locals (insert reverent bow here).

-The flight to Korean is over 18 hours. I’ll get drunk for the first five hours, because of excitement and anticipation, but that still leaves a lot of time on the clock. If I can’t learn useful Korean phrases or differentiate between tenses in 13 hours of aerial focus, then I don’t deserve your money… I can. I deserve it.

-Diversity is a great thing. My best friends are made up of all types of personalities and ethnicities. That is a great thing. My nickname is “white-chocolate”. Learning another language will only help to promote an attitude of universality and respect.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to sharing this amazing experience with all of you. Nancy, unblock me if you want to see the pictures. 

Help spread the word!

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