Below is the actual content from the gofundme page, if you didn’t feel clicking the link.
(Photo explanation: This is a photo of my best friend in Korea, Henry. He is the son of my two American friends, Darin and Libby. I use this picture to illustrate the severity of the current situation I’m in. I’m trying to show Henry the tricks of the trade–teach him the game–but I can’t. I can’t communicate with women here. I need an airline ticket to fly in a lady from back home. Help me. Help Henry.)
Gofundme (Airfare for hot lady)
As of yesterday, the cheapest flight from mainland United States to Seoul, South Korea is $987.50.
That sum guarantees passage and offers “coach” accommodations. Per Cheap Flights and Orbitz, that is the best I can do. When I entered the North Korean Capital Pyongyang into the destination column–hoping to illicit a price reduction–a comment populated that read:
“No available flights, do you want to die?”
$987.50 is the best I can do.
I need $987.50 American Dollars. I will tell you why, in bold, bullet form:
Plane ticket: “Plane ticket” is the first bullet because it is the sole reason for this GoFundMe plea. All bullets to follow depict what I look forward to if able to procure said ticket. They also serve to illustrate exactly why I need it.
Female companionship: Typically the term “female companionship” denotes the relationship between a man and an escort.* That isn’t the case in this instance. The female companionship I’m referring to involves a lady friend of mine from back home. She speaks English and we have similar interests. She is attractive, and she is not a hooker. She is literally a companion and the only thing I would be debited is international airfare–$987.50.
* I did look into this. Flying an escort into a foreign country, though, just seemed a little too aggressive. Guys who make GoFundMe’s and share a checking account with their Mothers aren’t the dudes who fly strippers intercontinentally.
Dialogue: There are different types of dialogue with women. I like most of them. Here in Korea, I miss all of them. These are the types I miss most:
Lying: White lies may be my favorite indulgence when dealing with women. Back home, if I’m at a bar and talking to a nice woman/underclassmen, I enjoy slipping in little fibs. My salary doubles and my baseball career was ended because of injury. That’s the beauty of dialogue in a common tongue. She doesn’t need to know my paycheck goes to student loans and I stopped playing baseball because I wasn’t good. In Korea, I’m unable to do that. I bow and she takes me at face value. When my friend comes, it will be different. I will tell her about the small child I saved and the ninja attack I thwarted.
Banter: Literally the best facet of my game is banter. It’s what I lead with and it’s what I’m most proud of. I make intelligent jokes and my observations are typically in line with current political, socioeconomic trend. In Korea I would take my lady friend to one of the bars downtown. When they played some Korean Rap I would make a comment like, “man, rap music today, sometimes I feel like I can’t even understand it.” She would laugh and we would make out.
Flirting: Flirting is only enjoyable when you can tell if the other party is into you. I try flirting all the time in Korea. I wink and dance and boop noses, but I can’t tell if they dig it. I try to approach with a follow up question but they giggle and they leave. Coy remarks or insinuative gestures don’t land. So, I’ve stopped flirting. After my friend arrives, I plan on spending the first few days like an infatuated school boy. I’ll tap her shoulder and laugh when she turns the wrong way. I’ll push her too high on the swing. I’ll put flowers in her purse when she isn’t looking. At baseball games I will steal sips of her beer and ruffle her hair. At dinner I’ll prod her shin and say I thought it was the table. When we nap I’ll wake her with the bone. I’ll do all of that, because I miss flirting.
Posturing: At bars or clubs, often times putting on a show for your lady is one of the main appeals. Typically you pick a small, non-threatening male in the crowd and you accuse him of staring at you. It’s risky, but you do it because you and your lady have been drinking red bull and vodka and it’s a turn on. In the States, the risk lies in the fact that the little guy is able to understand. He may have friends that are able to hurt you or he may in fact be able to hurt you. I’m not a good fighter. That’s why it’ a risk. In Korea, posturing is a risk free move. They won’t be able to understand you. When I’m out in Korea with my friend that is a girl, I will tell her I’m going to get her a drink. When I’m across the bar, and she sees me but is unable to hear me, I will make my scene. I’ll point and yell and say terribly kind things in English. I’ll return to my lady to calm her down and tell her that some bro was trying to start shit.
Bed room discussion: Obviously dirty talk, but my mom reads this stuff so bed room discussion is what I’ll call it. If a Korean woman has said something to me dirty, or sultry, or insinuative, I wouldn’t know. I don’t speak Korean.
(End of dialoge bullets [gofundme does not offer proper outline formatting])
Date night: Two weeks ago I thought I had a date lined up. I had met a nice Korean girl at a bar. She spoke broken English, gave me her number, and her hair smelled like cinnamon. Within 24 hours she set a time to meet. She wanted to grab coffee. I was excited, almost giddy. I got to the coffee shop early, ripe with anticipation. I wondered how she would feel about living in Louisiana. I waited. Finally, I saw her through the window as she approached. She smiled and sat down next to me. Next to her was a grizzled Korean girl and two male friends. She opened a textbook and asked me to teach them English… When my friend arrives I will set a date night. We will both know it is a date and we will prepare accordingly. She will wear a tight dress with favorable fabric and I won’t wear underwear. We will drink red wine and put on the fake personas people do when they go on dates. I look forward to it.
Baseball game: Almost a subset of date night, but not quite. This is a perfect opportunity to combine all my forms of dialogue into one cohesive performance. I will banter with her and make fun of the sports she likes, like soccer and volleyball. I will lie to her and tell her I’d be in the show if coach would have gave me a shot. I’ll flirt and make her spill her Lo Mein–they don’t serve cracker jacks or sunflower seeds. And I’ll posture, seemingly pissed off that the pitcher isn’t challenging enough hitters. Obviously, I have not been able to enjoy a baseball game like this with a Korean woman. I’ve taken peoples Lo Mein, but that was theft, not flirting.
Snuggling: Korean women do not snuggle. Maybe they do with Korean men, but they don’t with me. I really look forward to a nice cuddle and spoon-shaped nap with my friend when she arrives.
Inventory: I’m running low on supplies. After having purchased a thousand dollar ticket, I would be entitled to some things. Out of appreciation–maybe a little respect–she would bring things I asked for:
Books. I need new books. I read a lot here to both sharpen my mind and to escape the realization that I can sufficiently communicate with about eight people. I also don’t like reading books on phones or kindles. I need real books. If you are hesitant to aid this fund because you think it is just a plea to fly in tail, think about the books.
Shirts. For whatever reason I didn’t do my due diligence before coming here. I heard Korea and I assumed mild weather. I was wrong. It’s starting to get hot. I’m told it will get hotter. I need her to bring me nice short sleeved shirts that I can wear on our dates and when we flirt. This is another way to justify your donation.
Wi-Fi improvement and reduced utilities cost:
I will use my laptop, ipad, smartphone, and Brazzers login information less when my friend comes to visit.
(Disregard campaign creation date of March 7th. Gofundme makes it difficult to create new campaigns [had to edit an old one] when you are in Asia. I wrote this today, May 17th. I love you.)