Wanted: Date for Sister’s Wedding (must meet requirements)

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Yesterday I was in the shower…

I’ll let that sink in.

I was in the shower and I was listening to music. I don’t pay for utilities so I listened to about seven songs. I played the last song twice. It was an absolute jam and it was upbeat. It also gave me an idea.

The song was “Escape”, written and recorded by Rupert Holmes. If that doesn’t ring a bell, think of the Pina Colada song that you know and love–same song.

If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain

If you’re not into yoga, if you have half a brain

If you like making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape

Then I’m the love that you’ve looked for, write to me and escape

In the song a man places a newspaper add beseeching a lady companion that likes the things he likes: making love late night and crushing pina coladas. Not to spoil the ending, but the lady who responds to the add is his actual girlfriend. They share a laugh together and melodiously sing “I never knew”. It’s great, especially since they so amiably overlook that he was creeping for side piece and she low-key wanted to get stuffed.

I intro with this song because I want to do something similar.

(Something similar in terms of making a plea for a particular lady. I don’t need to do anything on the sly because I abstain from meaningful, exclusive mature relationships.)

In a few months, upon my return from Asia, my sister is having her wedding. It is in Louisiana, on a football weekend, and I am excited. It is important that I show up to all wedding related activity with a formidable date. Much will be demanded of me and, in turn, my date. I will explain why and what I need in my plea/mandatory criteria, outlined below:

 

  • Attractive:
    • I don’t require this for personal, superficial reasons. I will enjoy it, for personal, superficial reasons, but that is not why she needs to look good.
    • She needs to be distractingly attractive to cover an elephant in the room/wedding. The elephant is the proximal gathering of my Mother and Father. I love both my parents and am not going to really elaborate or disparage the situation, but the fact is they haven’t seen each other for 8 years. Tensions will be high. Some people may even feel uncomfortable. That is not good at a wedding. I hope to diffuse that tension with a long legged, olive skinned, attractive date. I will also make inappropriate jokes equating the tension between my parents to the situation here in Korea.
    • My sister likes to post a lot of pictures on Facebook. She is friends with an ex-girlfriend of mine whom I’m sure will see the wedding photos she posts. An attractive date on my arm will be a dagger to the happy life she is trying to live.
    • I want to impress my dad. My dad is a former Big League Baseball player who held lofty athletic visions for me. I don’t think my three career collegiate homeruns–although all “no-doubters”–met his expectations. A knockout date would make him proud.
  • Edge:
    • Edge, for me at least, is best defined as something out of the ordinary or unique that favorably adds to an image. Edge is difficult for many people to acquire and often requires an inherent confidence that most don’t have. Examples that will work and are encouraged for this wedding weekend:
        • Tattoos. I love tattoos on girls. I am progressive and I do not hold the belief that visible ink on a women is a relationship deal-breaker. My mother doesn’t think that way. I love my Mom more than any person on this planet but I also love to mess with my Mom more than any person on this planet. With her emotions already riding her, I’m hoping an attractive, tatted up date will force her to do something–liquor aided–that will make me laugh. I know this day is about my sister and her fiancé, but wedding shenanigans are my favorite.
        • Colored hair and/or illicit clothing: In the same school of rationale as above, a flagrant color in the hair or a compromising dress would fluster my Mother. It will also be good for me as it will make my date easier to spot later in the evening when I’m testing the pliability of an open bar policy
        • Aggressive humor. As previously noted, I plan on making jokes all weekend long. I need a lady to let me know when my jokes are good but also when they are too much. She will need an aggressive sense of humor to recognize the difference. I’m also a horrible dancer. She needs to be funny so we can laugh at my lack of rhythm–not lament it.

 

  • Malleable Opinion:
    • This is my sister’s wedding weekend. This weekend my date will say/do/believe:
      • Say: Washington State University has a real, legitimate athletic program.
      • Do: Buy Tesla stock.
      • Belief: Die, Donald.
  • Stamina:
    • This is not a sexual reference or insinuation. I literally require a date with bodily stamina. My big sister is getting married and the wedding is taking place on an LSU football weekend. Words fail to describe my excitement and I can only anticipate the energy in which I will bring. If she is unable to match my energy, she needs to come close. There are two main reasons:
      • Friday wedding/reception to Saturday tailgate combo. If you have ever tailgated in the SEC, you understand. If you reside in the PAC 12 or the BIG 10/12, you don’t–the Big East doesn’t party. There will be no time for the post-wedding hangover to set in. Game Day Saturdays in Baton Rouge demand your wherewithal. She needs to be equipped, both in mind and body, for a quick Friday-Saturday turnaround. ***I am hosting my sister’s wedding party during their inaugural SEC tailgate weekend, if you weren’t sure why the date was a two day thing.
      • Friends. I have a lot of friends. The wedding will present an abundance of introduction and formality but Saturday, upon the grounds of LSU, introduction will breach formality. People will want to shower her in shots and beers and one-armed selfies. There will also be a lot of girls/women adjacent that do not like me. By association, they probably won’t like my date. Gotta stay sharp for that too.
  • Socially Independent:
    • I really am looking forward to sharing this time with a nice date. With that said, I don’t have a good track record on Game Day Saturdays of maintaining my awareness. At times, my date will probably be left to her own. This should not be an issue. She should be able to handle herself, when I am occupied or distracted, in a manner befitting of someone I acknowledge as a date.
  • Able Drinker:
    • This is last because I presume it will be the deal breaker for many able bodied candidates. For this weekend, the type of drinker/partier I am looking for would most analogously be described as a long distance runner. I don’t want the sprinter. The sprinter is the girl who looks the part but wanted to play morning flip cup and is now slurring words and telling your family she loves them. I don’t want that. I need the girl who can maintain the buzz, riding out the highs and lows, and finish the night with an Uber and Taco Bell.

 

 

Please, slide into my direct messages if you meet above criteria and are free October 12th-14th.

Congrats again to Kayce and Chris!

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1 comments on “Wanted: Date for Sister’s Wedding (must meet requirements)”

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