Fourth of July: America in Korea

Fourth of July: America in Korea


I’m writing this on the 4th of July, in South Korea–actually making it the 3rd of July in America. I’m writing it now because as of yet my IG feed has not been inundated with 4th of July subject matter (lake trips, firework displays, star spangled bandanas, bros rocking ‘back-to-back-world-champ T’s, unintelligent friends using ‘merica hashtags, creative methods of beer consumption, attractive women atop inflatable flamingos, etc). So, as of now, I’m not yet depressed about missing those shenanigans.

I wanted today to be about America.

I tried very hard to celebrate my nation’s great holiday in South Korea. Mindful of diplomacy and cultural respect, I tried to bring as much of America as I could to Southeast Asia. With the 4th of July in mind, relishing its patriotic essence, I shaped my day to commemorate the U S and A. I will feel better watching videos of my friends tomorrow, drunk and in denim, knowing that I too celebrated. I honored my country.

  • When I woke up I didn’t make brown rice tea. I had started doing that a few months back when a Korean friend told me it was healthier than coffee and good for “stahhmeena” (stamina). I didn’t do it today because that’s not what I did back in the states. Instead, I ordered room service, selected the “American Breakfast”, ate my eggs with catsup, enjoyed a latte–extra 3,000 Won charge–and signed the bill to Anthony Ranaudo’s room, 703.
  • After breakfast I went to the bathroom. I did not use the bidet, even though I can read the different Korean buttons denoting water intensity and spray pattern; bidets are not found in most American homes. It was a manual cleaning.
  • Decided not to call my Mother this morning because I have been a little homesick recently and increased our call frequencies–something Korea forced. I didn’t call her and I made a note to reduce calls moving forward, more in line with my American, bi-weekly communication.
  • Said “sup” to the hotel attendant I passed in the lobby on the way to the gym–still bowed, though.
  • Bench press (barbell), bicep bar bell curls, dumb bell shrugs, dips, bicep bar bell curls, bench press (dumbbell), calf raise, chest flies, bicep bar bell curls, leave. No stretch, no equipment wipe down.
  • Stopped at room 703 upon returning from the gym. Took beer (6,000 Won) from mini fridge.
  • Met my American friends at the hotel pool. The hotel requires all men and women to wear swim caps. I left my swim cap in the pre-pool shower area and swam without it, not giving into tyranny or sovereign abuse.
  • Cannon ball contest with Zach Petrick (American).
  • The pool attendant was actually super sweet, though, so I didn’t try and sneak beer in. Peed in the pool, but no beer.
  • Hung out with my friend Henry. Told Henry about the Revolutionary War and the pertinent American ideology that constitutes Fourth of July celebrations. Explained British taxation without representation, too, outlining different tariffs and such, and he started screaming “no”. Respected his passion. His mom said he pooped in his diaper.
  • Walked back to my room, since Henry had to change and take a nap. Stopped in room 703. Again, did not use the bidet.
  • Sent a snap to a couple of girls from inside my room. The background was a blank, white wall, not giving away my location. I included a caption that read “Finally back in Louisiana!”… In America, I lie to girls.
  • Read a chapter of Gone with the Wind, because it is classic American literature. Scarlett is a bitch.
  • Ran Beomun Lake trail with compression shorts and no shirt, giving Korea a taste of this big red American machine. I did not use headphones, placing my phone in my hand letting the sounds of a DJ Khaled playlist resound in my wake.
  • Went to the hotel sauna and spa after a morning lift, afternoon run. Signed in as Samsung Lions pitcher Zach Petrick, so it was free. Spa receptionist wasn’t friendly, so brought beer from my back pack into hot and cold tubs. Obviously peed.
  • Before leaving the spa, after I showered and changed, I changed the setting on the locker room scale from kilograms to pounds.
  • Hotel room service. After a bevy of rice/lo mein laden entrees was a bacon cheeseburger option. Ordered it.
  • Skipped the Samsung Lions baseball game since the stadium was thirty minutes from the hotel. Went with Henry to the hotel fun zone instead. Several Korean children were playing video games, which, quite nicely, the hotel made free of charge. Most of the kids were playing Mortal Kombat, using characters like Liu Kang and Reptile. I whooped ass with Johnny Cage (American).
  • Henry dropped another turd so he had to leave. I stopped in the lobby and bought a Budweiser before returning to my room.
  • Put on great American movie Batman: The Dark Knight.
  • Blew my mind that Christian Bale is British.
  • Played Mel Gibson’s “The Patriot”, mute of course, and started writing this.



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