The Subtle Art to Being a Mooch

I haven’t written on Beauwritesgood in a while. I figured including an excerpt from my book that is almost up on Ibooks/Amazon is the best way to plug myself. I am very selfish. If you know me you know that.

Also, to reference the title for this post, and the correlative picture, these are all best friends who I have mooched off of in some capacity–Mikie and Anthony the most. Thanks.

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26.) The subtle art to being a “mooch”

(Relationships)

There is an art to being a mooch. I know about this art. Some would say I’ve perfected it. I would say that too.

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“Mooch” is a very connotative word. It is thought of unfavorably, by most, because the mooches they have been around probably aren’t doing the right stuff.

I do not want this tip to detract from what I’ve already said and what I will say going forward. Being a mooch seems to be something that would be counterproductive to ideas of self-empowerment. It seems like it would be something that is enabling of both dependency and bad habits. While, technically that is true, there is always grey area, in everything. Being a mooch, done in tasteful and jovial form, is straight up grey-area-goodness.

To be clear, the grey area resides between the white of self-strength/action and the black of dependency/lack of drive. If you sit in the grey, for a minute, you will see that mooching, sparingly, is way to save capital while also providing service (jokes, conversation, drink preparation, etc). Here are some basic rules and guidelines that I’ve perfected, that are still in line―at least in the grey―with the empowering beliefs I’ve incorporated in my life.

Before you have been labeled “the mooch”:

• Buy first round: First impressions are most important. We all know this. At bar/club type outings, buy the first round. This is the single greatest mooch antic I employ. Your friends are not yet drunk and everyone will see, and process, that you paid first. Someone else will obviously get round two, and then three, and when you get to rounds four and beyond, the only things your friends will remember is that you got the first one.
• Slow wallet draw: This is a move that is not difficult to perfect. Timing is key, but it is easy to learn. What is important is that you wait until someone else goes for their wallet. Even if the bill is placed directly in front of you, do not move first. Prolong conversation until the wallet retrieval has been initiated elsewhere. At that point, get dramatic, like your wallet is snagging in your back pocket or you credit card is fastened in implacable tar. If you have friends with a decent amount of wealth, and splitting the bill wasn’t discussed previously, you’re Gucci… Also, never verbalize that you forgot your wallet or that your bank put a security hold on your card. Even if that is true, people, even your friends, will resent you and assume you’re skirting the bill. A conveniently timed bathroom departure―upon arrival of bill―is not something I would suggest either. I do it, because I am an elite mooch, but this is another way to be quickly outed.
• “Lines not moving, bro”: Again, this gimmick only works in a bar/club setting. When it is time for a re-fill, find another buddy or two who also is in need of replenishment. Inquire as to what they want, remark upon the difficulty you’ve had getting your order taken previously, ergo bar congestion, and then casually remark that you are going to try another portion of the bar. Most of the time your friends will offer to do the same. If they don’t, casually suggest it. If they decline, realize your friends are bad people. When it comes time for you to branch and pick another location for said order, subtly pick the most crowded area. 9 out of 10 you just bummed a free drink.

Now labeled “the mooch”:

(The cat is out of the proverbial bag. Your friends are wise to your act and some may even become hostile. You can only proceed as the mooch if you do the following):

• Be funny: This is an innate ability that is tough to grow. But, if you are funny, and most people know it, the option to continue as a mooch is available. Just realize that at social functions you have to earn your keep (expenses) via shenanigans and jokes.

• Bartender: At pre-game functions or get-togethers, provide a service. Prepare drinks. Be mindful of what your friends like, cater to their idiosyncratic methods of consumption, and readily anticipate their refill. Do that, with a smile, and they surely will tell you to make one for yourself using the bottle of Goose and the mixer they brought.

• Ice breaker: You’re at the bar with your friends. Busy yourself talking and coordinating introduction with prospective talent (ice-breaking). Your friends will note what you are doing, diligent in your efforts, and they will buy you drinks while you work.

• Ego stroke: My close personal friend, Sean Ochinko, top two funny humans I know, has perfected this move. His emotional intelligence is also elite, which is conducive because he is able to infer what his wealthier friends to like to hear, but this is how he works (I employ same technique, just not as high a level as Sean):
  • “Bro, isn’t it great to be out with all the boys like this? We are so lucky and so fortunate and so blessed to be able to do what we do and live how we live. (insert name of target) you’ve worked so hard man. This is why we work hard, too, to spend our money with our friends and to celebrate what we have. Nobody takes care of his friends more than you, man. (insert same name here) want to go get a drink?”
  • “(Name of target here), she is definitely looking at you man. Yea she is into you. Makes sense, she knows you’re the guy. What do you say we grab a couple drinks, then walk over and introduce ourselves?”

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Again, this is not an aid to evade responsibility. We all want to be self-sufficient and there countless ways and beliefs that can help us achieve that thriving sustainability. But, in the meantime, if shit is tight, this can help.