Gofundme: Vegas, Baby, Vegas

We’re going to Vegas for a bachelor party… It will be Halloween weekend and 25 of the closest of pals will be there together—ready to light something or someone on fire. Gambling, liquor, fist pumping, and Celine Dion live. All of it. If you are a male above the age of 21 and that scenario doesn’t fire you up, then I’m sorry. I’m sorry I bothered you with this. I’m sorry you disapprove. I’m sorry you look at us with disdain. I’m sorry your dad introduces you as Stephanie when your name is Steven. Really, I’m sorry.

So, aside from the obvious reasons (blackjack, valet parking, $18 apps, and cocktail waitresses named Chastity), let me tell you why I need your cash…

There will be several professional athletes on this trip. There will also be several successful businessmen. Both will be looking to make it rain. They want to show our buddy getting married the best time, proving that they are the best at life, the MVP. Normally I would be ok with that, because I like free sh*t, and take great pleasure in riding the coattails of bottle service and strippers. But not anymore, not on this trip. I want to be the guy, the dude in fine open collared suits throwing exorbitant amounts of cash at hotel staff. I also want to use words like exorbitant, with the hotel staff. Examples of me on this trip:

  • The crew needs a lift from the hotel to the upscale restaurant of our choosing. I contact Uber, decide to splurge, choose Uber XL, wink at my buddies when Nissan Pathfinder shows up.
  • We place first round of orders at restaurant. I order spinach dip app. $19 US dollars. Tell waiter to put app in middle of table but put on my tab. Wink at my buddies. You’re welcome.
  • Back at casino, group of us are playing blackjack. Cocktail waitress comes back with our drinks. She hands me my beer. I motion towards tip cup on her tray, furtively reach past to behind her ear, pull ten dollar bill like magician and reveal to her. Place in tip cup. Wink at her, then at my buddies.
  • At nightclub with the squad. Order round of vodka and tonics for the boys. Waitress asks me what kind of vodka. I pause, then tell her to give me that Goose of Grey. Subtle wink.
  • Pool party the next day. Saturday. We pick out above average group of girls from the pool crowd wearing napkins for bathing suits. I tell the guys I will get them to come hang by our cabana. I approach. I’m wearing hotel slippers and Old Navy swim trunks. They think I’m poor. They don’t come back to the cabana. Undeterred, because I have extra cash flow in my checking account via gofundme, I stay within earshot of sultry girls, grab waiter, loudly tell him to bring an exorbitant amount of champagne to my cabana. I walk back. Girls follow. Buddies high five and fist pump. I wink and walk.


That’s the type of weekend I want. I think we can make it happen. I posted $2,000,000 as my target goal. I know that’s a little aggressive, but even if we get close to that, in that ballpark, I should be able to make the trip great.

I’ve chosen to leave out all names of attendees and even the actual bachelor himself. Just know that the bachelor is a top five human being, our friends are elite, and I’m more fun than a high school house party. Think big. We have a chance to do something great, and you can be a part of it. Can I have your money?




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